Missing Autumn

i had a dog named autumn. she was my friend for seven and a half years. she died on september 12, 2007, and i think i'm still in shock. to tell you the truth, i never expected her to leave me. she was an amazing dog- more than just a dog- a person. with the deepest, searching eyes and ability to express emotion beyond what you expect.

i'm not deifying her because she's dead. she really was that cool.



she had a playful energy that was very loving, and her 80 lb. stature never got in the way of her gentleness. what can i really say here? i knew her. i knew her personality, her preferences, her weird quirks. i dreamt last night she was in my arms, and i sneezed in her face the way she always used to do when she wanted to play or express love. she sneezed back, but i realized she was only with me in dreams. that i couldn't really touch her.

when she was in the hospital the day before she died, they let me lay on the floor next to her kennel, with the gate open. she had all these tubes everywhere, and she was quite tired, but still she offered me her belly, let me massage her paws.

i miss her terribly. but i am so grateful that i ever knew her at all.

- teague

ani difranco coming to town!

the lil' folksinger is coming to town!! i can't wait. hope i can get tix still. i anticipate this more than i did christmas as a little girl. the hubby is going out of town, so it is likely just me... that's ok. i don't mind.

Okaaaaayyyyy

i got it. i need to go for a walk in the mornings. when i get outside in nature, i am less critical of myself. and then i can feel grounded and secure. maybe.

perfectionism, inner griping

today i am hearing the old critical voice:

1. your neck is so tight-- how are you ever going to be a good yogi?
2. you've let your hamstrings get so inflexible!
3. pain everywhere- how can you get out from under it?
4. the window you insulated last night is still leaking a draft- why can't you ever do anything right?
5. you have studying to do, you know. you're not doing so hot in chemistry, and
   
6. who knows how you did on that statistics test?
7. why can't you find balance between work, home, yoga, studying?
8. why are you going to school anyway? you haven't even absorbed the yoga teacher training yet.

to which i must say "blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" and very meagerly show my defiance. these are the dark alleys i find myself in. self blame replacing external blame at every turn.

so i'm not &*%$ing perfect. i am clumsy, yes. unbalanced, definitely. i am also trying really hard to do everything. it is overwhelming, but i have to try.

sometimes these monsters are too much to face.

love,
teague

Yoga Really Helps

this is something i really need to remember:

1. one can choose to be happy or sad or angry or fearful or blissful at any given moment.
2. doesn't always feel like it, but it's true
3. no really, it is.
4. there are all kinds of roads one can go down- some that will shred your tires, and some that will be very smooth. all of them have good lessons.
5. once you learn those lessons, you don't have to stay on the same road.
6. sometimes you wind up back on the road you thought you had conquered. guess what?!?

truly, i must remember that when i remember my sadhana, i can face whatever road i wind up on, with grace, or at least awareness. it is not an obligatory practice that makes me cool. it is a necessary and fulfilling practice which keeps me calm and centered. and i really need that.